Survivor's Guilt (Both Sides Now)

2025/26

acrylic on canvas

25 cm x 30 cm

It was a "coincidence" that I started this painting on Dec. 31, 2025 and finished it on Jan. 1, 2026. It came out more vibrant than anticipated, flowing from a very real and very raw stage of recovery when joy to be alive meets the massive grief that still exists in the world. When your heart stretches so big with love, it also expands its capacity for empathy, and with empathy comes a whole new level of suffering. When you remember the pain of being the sick one while stepping into the trauma of being the caretaker.

This too is life and love, all of it beautiful.

And it hurts like hell.

"Both Sides Now"

by Joni Mitchell, 1966 (my favorite version by Josh Groban and Sara Bareilles)

Rows and flows of angel hair

And ice cream castles in the air

And feather canyons everywhere

I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun

They rain and snow on everyone

So many things I would have done

But clouds got in my way

I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow

It's cloud illusions I recall

I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels

The dizzy dancing way you feel

As every fairy tale comes real

I’ve looked at love that way

But now it's just another show

You leave 'em laughing when you go

And if you care, don't let them know

Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now

From give and take, and still somehow

It's love's illusions I recall

I really don’t know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud

To say "I love you" right out loud

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds

I’ve looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange

They shake their heads, they say I've changed

Well something’s lost, but something's gained

In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now

From win and lose and still somehow

It's life’s illusions I recall

I really don't know life

I've looked at life from both sides now

From up and down and still somehow

It's life's illusions I recall

I really don't know life

At all