"You are forever responsible for what you have tamed."

Public and Personal Responsibility in Health and Spiritual Coaching

"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it.

You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed."

~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, "The Little Prince"

I wiped my website clean for a few months, unpublishing all my 9 years of blog posts except for the art and poetry, while I sat with yet another post-traumatic existential crisis. Although at the time of writing, the algorithm has completely obliterated my single-digit readership anyway, and literally no one is seeing my words anymore, I still feel very responsible for what I put out into the world.

In the last few years of remission, I've often felt so much resistance every time I do something: one step forward, two back, always hesitating and doubting, getting really uncomfortable with myself, my relationships, and my future.

Physical symptoms flare – I’ve literally thrown up from anxiety – and I can’t sleep for weeks. I finally reached a point where maintaining my website went from an inspired calling to a horrendous responsibility I wasn’t prepared for. So I went dark and into my self-meditation of listening to and “sitting with” my feelings:

1) Is this just a trauma response?

For the first 90 seconds at least, absolutely! (That’s how the autonomic nervous system works.)

2) Are you afraid of being seen and heard?

In this world of viral judgment and ridicule, with my highly critical past? Absolutely!

3) If you cancel your plan/project, do you feel better, worse, or still confused?

Better, and safer to not have so much of my vulnerability out there right now; but it’s not completely resolved. Maybe my body is not saying, “no never, not for me.” Maybe it’s saying, “later, but we’re not equipped yet.”

4) Are you giving up on your dreams again, just because things got hard and uncomfortable? Don’t you think you’re being a lazy--

Hey, cool it with that critical tone… I am taking responsibility to get quiet, pull back my ego, confidence, and productivity, and start observing and researching again. I think I am breaking a cycle and coming into a deep personal conviction, but need to wait for more clarity until I act, especially towards another person, or on a major decision. Taking a break is safety for all of us, and keeping my eyes and ears open as I learn more is courage. Fear is a protector to be respected and understood, not an enemy to be destroyed.

So here’s what I’ve learned about my fears, hesitations, and guiding values when moving forward with "enlightened" life. I’ve learned that this highly somatic existential paralysis and self-doubt is “normal,” not a relapse or a medical disorder; it's just how a brand new baby nervous system learns its way after C-PTSD. I have a whole new life, worldview, and culture, and we live in a fast-changing society. Almost nothing that I grew up learning or believing about life and how to live is relevant anymore.

When we are faced with a new and uncertain situation, our brains sift through the library of our memories, looking for similar cues, circumstances, connections, and responses, to choose the safest and surest actions – usually what feels most familiar, because predictability signals safety. We run almost on autopilot, reacting to current situations with information from our past experiences. The foundation of maturing, growing, changing your life, and all self-help transformation is learning that familiarity and predictability from the past may feel safe, but often sabotage our growth and well-being, because they are no longer the best way to handle current circumstances. We learn to pause more frequently to observe our choices: is this necessary or beneficial now, or am I just doing what I’ve always done? Can I try another way? Could that stranger’s character and intentions be different than the person of my memory? Could this opportunity work out differently than ones in my past? Even with the same disappointing outcome and emotions, could I respond and grow differently? Do I really have to run away and avoid this danger because it’s life-threatening, or am I running from a memory?

When you’re simply feeling bored or stuck with your life and turn to the self-help gurus, this is a freeing revelation: every single moment in time is technically a new and uncertain situation. It is inspiring and thrilling to tap into the deeper question: could I change my life by making different choices? Could I explore new beliefs and new ways of being? What do I have to lose? What do I have to gain? Oh my god, I really am in control of my own destiny! *Insert rhyming motivational catchphrase here.*

But when you’ve been forced into a major life-change, like chronic or terminal illness, trauma, leaving your old life behind, losing your job, deconstructing your deeply-held religious beliefs, unexpectedly recovering from a hopeless situation, or all of the above, these new situations and opportunities are not a choice that leaves us feeling empowered. We don’t get to slow down and enjoy our spiritual transformation journey through conscious choices; we are pushed into a new and frightening world for which we have no blueprint of memory, no luxury of time and mental energy to fully research and think it through, gather advice, and make calculated decisions. There really is an element of danger to every situation, because it truly is the first time we are experiencing it with this new body, with this new brain, with this set of tools and coping skills. It really is like being born yesterday. But horror of horrors, when we are self-healers mid-transition, we haven’t yet found our new parents, teachers, or society to show us how to navigate our new world. Every decision holds the memory of our traumatized past, the mistakes we made, the consequences we suffered, and the abuse we were subjected to, and somehow we have to be brave enough to almost blindly make a different choice and experience a different outcome, without shutting down into fight/flight/freeze/fawn (sympathetic nervous system activation).

It’s a really big scary world out there!

And that’s where the therapists, teachers, coaches, gurus, and industry leaders come in: we need them. We need someone who’s navigated this big scary road of post-traumatic growth, transformation, relationships, communication, boundaries, empowerment, and motivation, to teach our new baby nervous systems how to regulate, listen to our instincts, intuition, and impulses, and when to bravely grow forward or cautiously hold back to avoid a relapse of trauma.

And we need them to be safe and trustworthy. Especially if our trauma involved abuses of power, manipulation, coercion, or control.

The internet has given us the incredible gift of free and widespread information. We don’t need to be lucky enough to just so happen to have a guru in our hometown, a therapist in our insurance network, or a personal relationship with a leader or teacher. Doctors and authors sharing their work and videos on social media was an absolute lifeline for me when I couldn’t find anyone in-person to help me make sense of my pain, suffering, symptoms, or life itself. I have had my own little miracles of physical books showing up in my life exactly when I needed them, and doctors arriving in my path when I least expected it, but even as I learned and treated, there was no one to help me integrate my research, or safely supervise as I experimented with vast medical and psychological theories in my own healing. Having MD’s, PhD’s, LCSW’s, PT's, etc. writing accessible public manuals and treatment plans, as well as patient advocates and survivors sharing their stories around the globe, has no doubt saved countless lives, including my own. And it is especially important for victims of abuse of power, manipulation, coercion, and control, because our trauma often has completely stolen our ability to trust; finding help in and of itself doesn’t feel safe, at all, even though we need it to save our lives. We get stuck between the danger of repeating our past abuse and the danger of our medical condition.  The anonymous distance of the internet allows us to carefully choose and evaluate a healer’s character and track record without giving them any control over us; the free content allows us to autonomously decide what’s right for us with no taint of financial motives. Once we build trust in a person, method, or system, we have the confidence and safety to find practitioners in-person.

But the internet has also given us the terrible consequence of free and widespread abuse and disinformation. For sure, “snake-oil salesmen” and false prophets have always been around. Rumors, misguided folk remedies, and superstitions have plagued and killed humans forever. We’ve always had abuses of power and unjust systems circulating through the human experience. But social media has poured an entire oil field on the fire, and AI has ushered in an apocalypse of total anarchy when it comes to responsibility and integrity. And people are literally dying from trying to save their lives.

We are all existentially lost in a new situation: we’ve never lived like this before, and every experience in the library of our memory is irrelevant in the face of this new system. Money can be transferred instantly, to workshops and courses advertised by the thousands, which may or may not exist. Credentials are no longer trustworthy: an entire economy has been built around digital nomads and entrepreneurs of coaching and self-help, without proper training, licensing, or trauma-informed client resources. We have completely lost the apprenticeship and residency education that prepared new healers for work, and are skipping right to the profit-centered establishment of private practices. Workshops and retreats are returning to in-person reality, but overwhelmingly as a business model, and not a conscious or responsible human health and support model facilitated by licensed professionals. Thanks to AI, inexperienced and careless knaves can create professional-looking websites, advertisements, media, itineraries, and a completely false belief of having made a career and identity, putting their clients at risk of incredible danger, retraumatization, psychiatric deterioration, and medical errors – and we almost can’t blame them, because it’s becoming the only model of survival in our current economy.

And now, entire media accounts are being created for AI characters posing as doctors, therapists, and coaches. Medical journals, clinical trials, and health journalism are being erroneously summarized and disseminated through AI (on top of the long-existing problem of bias, politics, money, and conflicts of interest driving these publications in the first place).

I’ve been sensing this dissonance for years, as I’ve felt the unavoidable pull of the zeitgeist to “turn your mess into a message,” and “heal to help others.” Still lacking the funds and stamina to return to school, and decades late to the career game, there is great pressure on the chronically ill to earn a living and do it fast. The “influencer” economy has gone from an odd corner of pop culture media to an entire paradigm consuming the realms of disability and unemployment. In the beginning, I brushed it off as “just not my path,” another tally on my lifelong list of popular things to reject out of sheer stubbornness.

But after being immersed the social media of medical and mental health for years, I’ve realized the peculiar phenomenon of getting to observe deeply and intimately the exact moment of evolutionary leap. I noticed as all the content started looking the same: one account changed their aesthetic, and one by one the others followed; people switched from photos, to words, to podcasts, to reels, to memes, before having a personal crisis and vowing to switch platforms; each leader burnt out and announced a break; each influencer lamented the shifting demands of the algorithm, and got pushier and pushier about the monetization of their likes, shares, and subscriptions. And day by day, one more AI “doctor” or “research foundation” replaced my feed of professionals.

I watched it happen in real time, continuously getting the nagging sensation that this new "economy" was not worth investing myself in.

And once again, I was right:

Something is wrong.

The straw that strained the camel’s back was when my distant observations transitioned into my reality and lived experience: as I recovered, I got off the internet and back into life. I was thrilled to find in-person therapists, healers, workshops, and self-help spaces in my area. I was overjoyed to find people to talk my talk, small communities of affordable or even donation-based programs to help me through the integration stage. But while my personal and relational traumas and social anxiety healed by leaps and bounds, my career reservations and systems discomfort only got worse. I found some true professionals, healers, and friends, for which I am eternally grateful. But I also walked into one too many sales pitches, cult recruitments, and naïve influencer/entrepreneur workshops. I started seeing the most vulnerable people fall prey to leaders who had nothing underneath their teachings to personally support their clients or provide any amount of medical or psychological safety. I saw the inspirational and miracle stories being used to draw people in, with no warnings of the dangers and responsibilities that are inherent and necessary in a transformational healing journey. I saw a lot of positive-vibes-only that bypassed the sacred and necessary act of deep grief. I saw facilitators shirking personal responsibility for the things they taught and brought up for their students without safety nets, boundaries, or emergency back-up plans. I saw a lot of people getting hurt, or in very serious danger of being victimized.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was the revelation of Deepak Chopra in the Epstein files, or rather (since I and pretty much everyone I talk to “never liked that guy” anyway) the conversations and whistle-blowing on the spiritual and self-help medical industry that ensued. Jeff Foster nobly outed himself a few years ago, after his devastating journey with Lyme Disease knocked him off his high horse and taught him some humility and true enlightenment. He’s very open about how his beliefs have changed, and often calls out the pitfalls of spiritual guru culture. Lissa Rankin has been blowing the whistle clean out with dynamite, after years of coming to terms personally with the abuses of her peers and her role in the industry, and revising some of her own work. And all of this came on top of years of reckoning in the Evangelical church, for which I’ve had a front row seat and intimate experience with abuse, cover-ups, and whistle-blowing among the apostates.

I was triggered into absolute horror by the abuses deeply embedded in healing, spirituality, self-help, and basically everything I have built my website, my past, and my future on. Am I part of the blind leading the blind? Do I have the capacity to hurt and abuse people myself? I’ve certainly done it before, many times, out of sheer ignorance and indoctrination, and it'd be hubris to think I couldn't do it again. I’ve made amends; why would I not make a change? And the more you learn, you realize the less you know for sure. So as I get wiser, am I only getting less qualified to lead anyone?

So I did my thing: got quiet (after the trigger tornado, of course), got curious, vented some frustrations through my personal media, and sat with myself again:

1) Is this just a trauma response?

Not “just,” but partly yes. I have many wounds of being manipulated, used, disbelieved, unsupported, led astray, lied to, and gaslit, and I have many wounds of watching people I love get likewise victimized.

I have many old ingrained religious beliefs about my personal responsibility for "causing" others to sin and go to hell.

2) Are you afraid of being seen and heard?

Yes. Speaking out in the past has gotten me ostracized, gaslit, punished, and shamed for causing trouble. Also, I have loved ones who are still relying on the systems that abused me, and I’m afraid my story will break their trust and sanity. But I also know that it was other brave people speaking out that helped me, and though it was offensive at first, it couldn’t really break me or reach me until I was ready to consider it. I believe our bodies and brains protect us from what we’re not ready to handle, and each person has the autonomy and responsibility to set their own personal boundaries against my beliefs. My job is to tell my truth with diligence and sensitivity.

3) Are you a hypocrite?

Yes, because we all are; and no, because self-awareness and responsibility is the only antidote. Transformation requires having held opposite views before; “both/and thinking” is necessary to mental health, and requires context and discernment. It’s my job to be honest about my shortcomings, and own when my beliefs have shifted; it’s my responsibility to remove or tag misinformed content and revise my public work.

4) Are you harming people with your medical, spiritual, and economic advice?

I hope not, but I still doubt myself, and I don't think that's a toxic personality trait or unreasonable fear. I grew up with church leaders who were 100% committed to being good and moral people… and they still did great harm spreading damaging ideas like total depravity, purity and modesty culture, submission of women, corporal punishment, Dobson-style parenting, and spiritual bypassing. I learned that just because I believe in my experience, values, and interpretations doesn’t mean they are true, for others or universally. What then can I share? I am learning to walk the fine line of telling my true story while being sensitive to others’ triggers and capacities, and respecting, but not allowing myself to be gaslit by, people who disagree.

5) So how can you move forward with your purpose and career of Authenticity, if your truth and light might cause someone to make dangerous choices in something not meant for them?

I have patience and exercise restraint. I wait, listen, calibrate, and adjust my personal life, refine my values while I get quiet in my relationships and public life. I may be slow to get out into the world, but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make to uphold my guiding values: Love, Authenticity, Autonomy, Respect for Boundaries. I learn how to be more and more clear in my communication, and always defer to an individual’s personal needs, professionals, and safety. I give disclaimers about my credentials versus research versus personal experience, and take responsibility for my own words and open-mindedness. I can always remind people they must do the same: I refuse to claim leadership or authority over anyone. If that costs me a career as a coach or healer, then so be it. Authenticity and Autonomy are non-negotiable for me; it would be a paradox and hypocrisy to claim I have the power or right to bestow them on anyone else for profit, those which are our inherent birthright.

And I know they are a privilege; I have no control over the circumstances and blessings which allowed me to survive with Authenticity and Autonomy. Many people must survive without them; who am I to claim I can give them to anyone “if they try hard enough?” Who am I to interfere with anyone’s survival mechanisms?

I operate on accountability. And I operate on grace and forgiveness: for myself and for others willing to be accountable.

So I’m going to start putting my blog back. I’m honoring my story. I’m stepping into my awareness and responsibility. My Boundary is a sign of Authenticity on my door. Your Autonomy is the choice whether or not to knock, walk in, and when to walk out. And I won't endorse or follow any "leader" who doesn't offer the same.

The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time. “Please – tame me!” he said.

“I want to, very much,” the little prince replied. “But I have not much time. I have friends to discover and a great many things to understand.”

...“If you want a friend, tame me...”

...So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near –

“Ah,” said the fox, “I shall cry.”

“It is your own fault,” said the little prince. “I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you...”

“Yes, that is so,” said the fox.

“But now you are going to cry!” said the little prince.

“Yes, that is so,” said the fox.

“Then it has done you no good at all!”

“It has done me good,” said the fox, “because of the color of the wheat fields.”

~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, "The Little Prince"